Written By: Kelly Marie Dawson
Child’s Pose, Balasana. In Yoga this is referred to as a resting pose.
I begin by kneeling on the floor. Bringing my big toes together as I sit back on my heels. I separate my knees as wide as my mat. Slowly lowering my torso down between my thighs.
My arms stretch forward in front of me, hands spread wide and connected to the earth. I draw my shoulders down my back and breathe into the backside of my body. I allow my buttIocks to move down towards my heels, I feel calm and reverent in this pose.
My forehead is touching the ground. Eyes closed. Bringing my awareness to my third eye. Into the portal of consciousness. Here I give myself grace and permission to hold sacred space for myself. To love myself unconditionally. I release the shame and guilt I have held deep inside of me for years. I give myself permission to grieve the loss of my daughter and the child within me. I hold this pose and surrender to the divine feminine energy.
The heartache I was experiencing in this pose was for the child within me. I had a traumatic experience I had to heal. I had to face the grief. The mourning of my loss. I was sixteen years old when I decided to give my daughter up for adoption. I choose to numb myself with alcohol for years. The only way I knew how to cope. I was a child myself, and was not emotionally available to raise a child of my own. It all happened so fast. I wonder what she looks like.
I wonder if she is happy.
In this pose I surrender to the innocence of me as a child. To the daughter I let go. The opportunity to be a mother. I was not ready for that role. A teenage mother.
I breathe in the incense that infuses the Yoga Studio, as if I was in church for a funeral. The death of my past and the rebirth of my future. The soft music plays of Tibetian bowls and I feel the vibration deep within my cells. I become more relaxed. Softening into the pose. I am invoking transformation on this spiritual path. I awakened to the union with myself, the child within me. I awakened to the story of my daughter, Who I never had the privilege to know.
The wisdom that comes to me in my stillness. To look at my life and be grateful for all that I have overcome. To witness my future self from a higher perspective. One of acceptance. My attention goes to my heart. My chest feels heavy and constricted. Broken hearted for me and my daughter. I bring my awareness back to the present moment, back to my breath, out of my head, and into my body.
Breathing and connecting to my center. This is where my soul lives. I keep breathing slowly and deeply. In a light whisper I pray for her, my daughter. I love you, I hope you are well and living with peace and joy.
May you know my child that I love You.
I am brought back out of my memory of when I was sixteen. Back to the present moment. I hear a soft bell that rings three times. My teacher invites us to slowly come up on all fours. Table Top. I am ready to begin moving my body. Ready to embody, yet another opportunity to move. To let go of the pain and sorrow. I want to stop the grieving. The tears that I shed for me and for my daughter.
I witness the wisdom from the divine energy stirring within me. I am hopeful that one day my daughter and I will reunite. I accept divine intervention and what the universe has planned for me.
I open my heart to love and peace within.